I was still in the process of becoming comfortable living in a van and traveling, embracing my spiritual journey with no set destination in mind. I had made my way across the mountains and down to Oceanside, California, along the coast. It was here that I found myself contemplating profound questions, like: What does it mean for a soul to wander through life, rather than the physical body? Each morning, I woke up uncertain of what I was doing or why I felt this internal pull in my heart and soul, though my mind hadn’t quite caught up to it yet. At this time, I was dedicating a good portion of my day to Japa, the practice of chanting while counting beads. I averaged somewhere between 10 and 21 rounds on a Japa mala, a beaded necklace used for meditation. After each session, my mental turmoil would dissipate, and I could experience the bliss of following my soul's guidance, trusting where Krishna was leading me. Nothing in my external world would change, but my perception of it would shift entirely. This practice became an invaluable tool in my journey, nurturing my faith and love for Krishna. This period spanned several years of my spiritual path, during which I was living in my basic van, exploring life and faith. I began reflecting on my experiences along the Bhakti Yoga path with Radha and Krishna so far: I continued to feel a steady internal growth and expansion. At times, I gained insights into my divine nature during meditation. I felt a constant pull to act in ways that would please Krishna, challenging me to grow and transforming my relationship with the material world. The last part was particularly eye-opening, as it made me reflect on all the stories of enlightenment I had seen on TV or imagined in my mind. At that point, I began to realize that true enlightenment wasn’t something dramatic or flashy—it was a steady, blissful presence that remains with you as you grow closer to God, reconnecting your soul with Him. This process wasn’t easy. Living in a minivan, wandering through life, meant that my material ego wasn’t exactly thrilled. I had just finished graduate school, and part of me still felt like I should be working, living in a nice place, enjoying a more comfortable material life. Yet, deep down, I knew that lifestyle wouldn’t fulfill my heart and soul the way this spiritual wandering did. Living in my humble van created space for Krishna in my life and deepened my relationship with Him each day. Radha and Krishna's support manifested daily, always in a gentle, balanced way. During meditation, I could feel Krishna reassuring me that I would always have what I needed as I grew in my divine nature. My relationship with Radha and Krishna evolved during this time. Radha encouraged me to explore material things, helping me experience the difference between the fleeting joy of the material world and the lasting bliss of the divine. Krishna, on the other hand, urged me to focus on Him and love Him more deeply in meditation, urging me not to waste time on distractions. I moved between these two perspectives, gradually learning how to balance the material and spiritual aspects of life. Over time, Radha and Krishna helped me detach from emotional reactions. My longing for material pleasures began to fade, and eventually, the frustration that once accompanied it no longer held power over me. I felt my mind and senses gradually quiet, helping me feel that I am the soul, not the body. Now, back to the beach. I was deeply immersed in these thoughts, but it was also a moment of true comfort for me in my van. For the first time, I was able to park by the beautiful ocean, watching the waves crash on the shore—feeling peace and connection amidst the vastness of nature. I began to deeply feel my growth and expansion during meditation, where everything around me seemed to shift. It wasn’t the same as before, when I only perceived the oneness of the energy around me. This level of perception is often described as Brahman consciousness or self-realization. Often, the surrounding oneness feels the same from one material thing to the next as a feeling, but it carries a steadiness. This time, however, instead of just a steadiness, everything around me felt alive—from the smallest particles and to the largest forms of life—all recognized Krishna with me more and more as Krishna’s presence and consciousness with me had increased. At the time, though, I didn’t understand that it was Krishna's consciousness that everything around me was connecting with, and how life around me was becoming more attuned to it. I was simply puzzled by this experience, moving between moments of questioning—Why am I doing this?—and moments of blissful certainty—This is exactly what I’m meant to be doing.
It’s also important to mention that my mind, at this stage, was downplaying these experiences. Krishna would often tell me in meditation that I wasn’t giving Him the space He needed to fully connect with me and bring His consciousness into my life. My mind would create doubts, asking, Would anyone be interested in this new way I’m experiencing reality? or Isn’t it just temporary? But Krishna was so loving and supportive during these moments. He would reassure me, saying, It doesn’t have to be this hard. It doesn’t have to be like this. He simply wanted me to relax, trust Him more, and focus on Him, rather than listening to the doubts of my mind or taking the longer path of trying to break free from my dependency on material senses over time.
This journey was setting me free to identify more with my soul than with my material body, and it has changed my life forever.
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